Category Archives: Grief

A Long Road

Posted on by under Being vs. Doing, Christ, Christian, courage, faith, family, Friendship, Grief, Growng in faith, love, Prayer

Where to begin. How about early 2018, that’s the last time I posted a blog. That January I started my Doctorate program, had a panic attack and started physical therapy. Later that autumn I began a stint as an adjunct theology professor, lasting four years all while working fulltime at my “day job.” 

Mid-2019 began what turned into five years of significant health battles. I had two life-saving surgeries, three different hospital stays, a mysterious illness, and one ambulance ride (more on these in later posts). 

But I was still working, still in grad school and still writing. Only I wasn’t writing blog posts. Instead, I was writing research papers, lesson plans, and a dissertation. But now my Doctorate Degree is finished and my run as an adjunct professor is completed. I now have time for more personal writing where I can explore new ideas, diverse genres, and different topics. Through these years, however, I have developed a whole new perspective on life, on suffering, and on what really matters.  

The difficulties of the past years are what is informing my writing and, frankly, my purpose. I’ve learned a lot through this time. Much has come from books and research of course, but even more through my journey of suffering, through the love of others, and through the challenges to my faith.  

I now know that my calling is “to equip the saints” and to show “that God’s kindness is meant to lead people to repentance” (Ephesians 4:12 & Romans 2:4 ESV). My goal is to be an inspiration to others; when times get rough don’t give up, don’t give in. Keep fighting the good fight. Darkness may encroach, but the light is coming. I know, I’ve lived it. And in the end, its relationships, listening, learning, teaching, and just being that are all part of the sweet spot of life. 

Relationships & The Common Denominator 

“I made known to them Your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them.”

-Jesus, John 17:26

True and lasting relationships have love as the common denominator. The love of a husband and wife, parent and child, and close friends. The love of a Savior. “Love is patient, kind…and never ends” (1 Corinthians 13:4 & 8). Love holds your hand when in you’re in pain. Love sits next to you in the Emergency Room as the doctor frowns over the images. Love visits without being asked. Love endures. Love inspires. 

Listening Well

“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”
—Stephen R. Covey 

Listening well helps us to understand deeply. It helps us hear the cry behind the complaint, the feelings behind the flippancy, and the plea behind the patronizing. A good listener can unlock the heart of a silent sufferer, opening a space for more than dialog, a space that has meaning. A good listener can help make sense of the nonsensical and help get the derailed train of thought back on the track. A good listener can help move a mountain in your soul and remove the log from your eye, helping you to see the truth more clearly.  

Learning & Teaching

“Learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

-Jesus, Matthew 11:29

Learning is a life-long endeavor. When we quit learning, we quit growing. When we quit growing, we quite living. Be curious. Ask questions. Teach others to help them learn. Then let them teach you. 

Being & The Ever-Present Now

Slow down. What’s the hurry? The work will be there tomorrow, but the moment at hand will never be here again. Be present. Forget tomorrow, focusing instead on the now. The now is all we have. The past is done and the future is fluid, but the now is where the relationships are forged, hearts are touched, and lives are changed. The now is also when lives end. I thought about that while lying in the back of an ambulance. I was praying that I’d have more “nows,” but at that moment, I didn’t know if I would. 

What’s Next

I’m back to writing. I have a children’s book called Carson’s Recovery available at Amazon. It is published through Alonili Press, an emerging, independent publisher being built by a small group of writers.  I have another short story called Freedom Ride coming out later this year. And I’m finishing a larger, non-fiction work on how our union with Christ can help ease our anxiety. It’s tentatively called Anxiety, Me, and the Peace of Christ. I intend to continue blogging regularly. My topics will be varied, but will include some theological posts, some whimsy, and some cycling stuff. Maybe some guest posts if anyone’s interested. If so, please let me know. 

I hope to inform, inspire, and entertain. But only you can tell me if I’m successful at that.

May the Lord smile upon you. See you again soon (Lord willing). 

A Pastor’s Question

Posted on by under Advent, Annunciation, Christ, Christian, Church, courage, encouragement, faith, Grief, Jesus, Mary, Mother of Jesus, Pain, Theology, Uncategorized

“Are you willing to trust God in anything He sends into your life whether you understandannunciation it or not?” That was the question posed by our Pastor this morning. It was posed in the context of what’s known as the Annunciation; where the arch angel, Gabriel, appears to Mary and says:

“Rejoice, highly favored one, the Lord is with you; blessed are you among women!”

—Luke 1:28

Mary is “very perplexed” (NASB v.29) or even “troubled” (NKJV) by this sudden visitation from the arch angel. Gabriel goes on to encourage her to “not be afraid” then drops the bombshell statement on her:

“Behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Highest.”

—Luke 1:31-32

Though you likely know the account of this record, May was currently a virgin. It was impossible for her to conceive except then Gabriel states that God the Holy Spirit, will cover her and she will conceive and bring forth what Matthew refers to as Emmanuel (God with us, Matthew 1:23) and what John the Baptist declared as “the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world” (John 1:29, see last week’s post for more on the Lamb of God). In other words, May is going to bring forth God incarnate.

Astoundingly, Mary’s response is:

“Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word.”

—Luke 1:38

mary_josephShe was young; most theologians and biblical historians place her from 14 to 16 years old. And she may have lived a simple life, but she was not ignorant of her culture or ignorant of what she was saying “yes” to. She knew that saying “yes” in her culture would mean significant ridicule up to and including community banishment. Here she was, an unmarried teenage girl and pregnant. Yes, she was betrothed to be married, but she was not married yet, so her fiancée could easily tell her to take a hike; in fact, it is likely that that is what was expected of him—to send her away in shame. And on top of it all she was proclaiming she was still a virgin and carrying the Son of God.

Simply stated, she demonstrated great courage. But not only that; she also demonstrated equally great humility and trust. She trusted God even if she didn’t fully understand His logic or His approach.

This brings us back to the Pastor’s question. Do I have the same trust? Or courage? Or humility?

This question really hit me upside the head today for this reason: pain. I was not intending to blog about this, but I got to thinking about another blogger’s question from earlier in the week. It’s from A Fractured Faith Blog and the post was Why Do You Blog? I blog because I desire to be an encouragement to others and to help make Jesus real for people. So now back to pain.

I evidently haven’t properly healed from this summer’s hernia surgery. My left side has significant muscle and nerve pain. I am now also experiencing pretty serious lower back pain as well. The back pain can at times be so intense that I lose my balance and well up in tears. Just rolling over in bed at night causes intense pain shooting through my back like a thousand hot needles burrowing into me. I pray for healing, but the pain remains relentless. I’ve tried alternative methods of treatments only to have increasing pain by the day. I will go and see my medical doctor later this week. I fear seeing her because I fear what she may find. Actually, she probably won’t find anything but will instead recommend yet another MRI (if so, it’ll be my ninth). I like to fancy myself in robust and indestructible health. I’d like to be able to workout as insanely as I used to. Maybe someday I will; or maybe the insane workouts of my past have contributed to my painful present.

But the question from my Pastor, inspired by a 14-year-old girl from over 2,000 years ago, rings loudly in my brain. Do I still trust God even though I desperately want the pain to go away? And even though I really don’t understand why I must endure this will I still pursue after the Lord?

Honestly, the overall answer is yes, I will still trust God and pursue after Him. But I admit it’s a lot harder to when my eyesight is blurred by pain and I have to be careful with every single move I make, whether making dinner or simply sitting down.

But I also know that, unlike Mary, I’m not alone because many others around me suffer from chronic pain as well. No one has gone through, or will ever go through, what Mary bravely and humbly went through. Perhaps, then, this is where my humility gets a little bit of a test in that I am challenged and humbled by a 14-year-old girl. And, frankly, I’ve never really found inspiration in Mary—that is, until today. Oh sure, like so many I admire her and am definitely grateful for her decision; but this is the first time I’ve found her to be an inspiration to keep-on keepin’ on. Who, except God, knew that it would take me over 50 years to be inspired by one of the greatest persons that ever walked the earth. Yes, we still call Mary blessed (see Luke 1:28, 42 & 45)!

A Bit Somber, but Blessed

Posted on by under Christian, Grief, Jesus, Perspective, Uncategorized

It’s been a tough week. Work stuff has some mounting pressures, I need to make a big decision in the very near future and I’m preparing to officiate my first wedding and launch a new small group on the west side of town. Then Janey and I went to a memorial service yesterday. Yes, it was a celebration of a vibrant and godly man that is now with the Lord, but it still has sadness. As one of the speakers said, no matter how hard my week was; which, frankly, it wasn’t that big of a deal—I still come home to my bride and I’m not fighting a life-draining illness. Chronic pain takes a toll, but I’m not fighting for my life.

 

So…

…I don’t have much to say today without getting choked up. I don’t have permission to share names, but the brief time I knew this man I felt such positive electricity, like the Holy Spirit vibrating through every fiber of his being. I don’t care who you are, that moves a person’s soul.

So I don’t have much to say. Still, I am continually amazed, and a bit disappointed, how quickly I move through my days with check lists, task boxes, to-dos, and stuff to accomplish. But how much does all of this really matter? Sure, these things have importance to a degree, but they don’t breathe life into me. And I don’t breathe life into them; they’re inanimate expressions of someone else’s urgency. But what was urgent to Jesus? People.

Relationships were, and still are, what Jesus cares about. And the way Jesus shows His care cross_sunsetin another person’s life is through us (John 13:31-35). No, I don’t plan to abandon my responsibilities, I don’t want to lose the job God’s blessing me with; but perhaps I can approach each check box, task and to-do item with a view of the other lives around me. Maybe I can strive to love and serve my bride, my boys, my church, my employer with just a little more effort to intentionally exude light and life rather than check marks and packed calendars.

 

Like I said…

…I don’t have much to say. My soul is stirred.

Mourning, Anger and Compression Socks

Posted on by under Bicycling, Christian, Cycling, Grief, Joy, Prayer, Uncategorized

 

This has been a weird week, both personally and nationally.

All of the killings that have happened in our nation are numbing and tragic. Regardless of my political leanings, or thoughts on the 2nd Amendment or attitudes on activism; American families are in mourning and in need of my prayers. This is part of how I love my neighbors (Matthew 22:37-40). Our nation is in need of my prayers. God help us!

 

The Anger Part

SocksI was on my bike ride yesterday when I was pondering all the mourning. As I entered onto a very busy street with a debris-strewn bike path, some dude swerved into the bike lane so his buddy could stick his upper body out of the window to scream at me. It of course startled me, and thankfully they didn’t hit or grab me, but as they sped away, I started fuming. I even yelled at them, and no, I didn’t say “thank you!” I am glad I kept both hands on the handlebars so I didn’t flail around any hand gestures that could’ve caused me even more trouble.

But as their car faded from view and I started climbing one of West Salem’s many hills, I marveled how quickly I went from mourning to anger. Yes, what those people did to me was dangerous and stupid, but I allowed them to disturb my soul. Then I started realizing how I allow a lot of other things to disturb my soul as well.

Sure, most of what is in the news is bad, but typically, we only see what the news wants us to see. We actually have to work to see the positives in life. But even amongst all the sadness and tragedy, there is still beauty. Just look around and marvel at the joy that surrounds us. Even as we pray for more of God’s presence and peace in our own souls and throughout our nation, we can at the same time be thankful for our families, flowers, birds, bikes, and so on.

 

Now the Socks

I was reminded of a simple example of joy when I started speeding down the hill just described, my feet were more comfortable in my new compression socks! Silly, I know, but also simple and joyful. The socks help message the calves, wick sweat away better and just add more overall comfort. And they were on sale to boot!

Like I said, it’s been a weird week, and I didn’t mention my CT scan (but that’s another story).

What a Ride: Despair and Celebration

Posted on by under Adventure, celebration, dementia, Grief, Thankfulness

Sad_Smile

Yes, 2016 has been an interesting, up and down year. My blog posting has been sporadic at best and my emotions have been stretched from east, to west and back again. But I am returning to a situation in life where I expect to begin posting on a regular basis; and I have a lot of ideas on things to write about. For instance, I want to write about atonement, and about the resurrection, and about Jesus being fully God and fully human, and about sin and whole bunch of other stuff.

But for the moment, I want to respond to a reader that recently asked why I’ve been absent. Well, lots of things have happened in 2016. But it began at the end of 2015.

The Recap

My last post was about the sudden death of a 20 year friend of ours, the oldest son of a wonderful family in Nebraska. Granted, the tragedy affected them more deeply of course, but it still shook us to our cores. Then 2016 began with my mom being rushed to the hospital. Mom, a very dear lady, suffered from advanced dementia and other physical disabilities. She spent much of January in the hospital. This led to her being admitted into hospice care. In the midst of this, my favorite pet ever—BK the cat—suddenly took ill and died. It was weird.

I came home from work on a rainy Thursday night and he ran over to greet me as he usually did. He was a great cat because I could pick him up any old way and he would just purr and head butt me. This particular evening, after his greeting, he all of the sudden lost control of his back legs, began panting furiously and had a wild look in his eye. We wound up at the pet ER where they said he was dying; feline congestive heart failure and his lungs were rapidly filling with fluid. In the process of his agonizing death throes, he bit into my left thumb with such force that I could feel his fangs sinking down into my bone, puncturing everything on the way. Shortly after that, he died. We spent the rest of the evening grieving in the people ER because my thumb was seriously injured. Even today my left thumb is partially disabled with the loss of some motion along with chronic pain and numbness.

About a month later, hospice care left a frantic message on my phone at about 4:30 in the morning; mom had died. No one expected it; sure, we expected she would pass away say in the summer or early fall, but then she suddenly started trending upward. Hospice was thinking she may have to be discharged from their care. But on February 29, she went to bed and at some point thereafter she was ushered into the presence of Jesus. Personally, I think she’s dancing in Heaven!

Then there’s the final semester of grad school. Through all of this and keeping up with my full-time secular job I was also trying to finish grad school on a high note. No easy task when so much of life is being filled with pain and loss. But God brought me and my family through it and last Saturday I was able to walk the platform in commemoration of completion along with about 300 other graduates from Corban University.

But…

So it’s been a challenging year so far. But now I have more “free time” and am looking forward to diving into blogging again (and perhaps more cycling too!). But thanks to God for all his work in my life and in my family, and also a huge thank you to my family and friends, I cannot tell you how much of a blessing you are to me. I can’t describe it because the tears of joy block my view. And thank you, dear reader, for your patience.

My God richly bless you in undeniable ways.

The Gift of Marcus

Posted on by under Grief, Legacy, Marcus, Uncategorized

The news came pouring through the phone early that Christmas Eve morning. In sobbing bursts Diana cried the news to Janey, “Marcus was killed last night in a car wreck!”

“What!?” said Janey incredulously. “How could this be?”

But it was true. Our dear friends in Omaha lost their 20-year-old son in a one car accident. Authorities said he died at impact so there was no pain; he was here then he was gone. Gone! As a father it’s mind-numbing news. Thankfully, Marcus was a young man solid in his Christian faith; and while we know that Marcus is experiencing inexpressible joy, we still sorrow—and we remember.

I have great memories of them as our neighbors. How the boys, Marcus, their oldest son, and Ben, my oldest son, would play baseball in the cul-de-sac. They’d see who could hit the ball all the way to the main street or make the coolest sliding-from-the-knees-catches in our front yards. I remember all those Little League games—the winning, the losing—and the fun! I remember those darkening spring evenings cheering the boys on. I remember the sleep-overs, the bickering, and the laughing. Oh those were good times!

The last time I saw Marcus was when he came from Omaha to visit us in Keizer. Marcus, Ben and I drove up to Seattle to see a couple of Mariners games. Chris, Marcus’ dad, scored great tickets right behind the Oakland A’s dugout. It was so cool, we could hear some of the players’ conversations and I got to sit and listen to Ben and Marcus debate various strategies. We even saw one of those rare triple-plays!

Now Marcus is gone and I cry out to God, “now what?” Well, here’s my sense of God’s answer to my cry. Marcus was a life lived well. He left with no emotional wreckage in his wake. He left with family and friends knowing he loved them. He left with a good plan for his future. He left already having led several young people to life in Christ. And he’s left us with a great legacy because of a life lived well.

Legacy Left

Yes, his life was brief. And even as our souls are saturated in sorrow now, our tears will dry and we will carry on with our lives. Even so, we can still rejoice in the fact that he is with Jesus forevermore! We can celebrate the life he lived among us. We can cherish the memories he leaves. And we can be inspired by his legacy, may our lives become lives lived as well as his.

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of Marcus; yes, we sorrow now, but in time his memory will live on via a living legacy of a life lived well, of a life lived for Jesus Christ; and we know that one day, we will see Marcus again!