What a Ride: Despair and Celebration

Sad_Smile

Yes, 2016 has been an interesting, up and down year. My blog posting has been sporadic at best and my emotions have been stretched from east, to west and back again. But I am returning to a situation in life where I expect to begin posting on a regular basis; and I have a lot of ideas on things to write about. For instance, I want to write about atonement, and about the resurrection, and about Jesus being fully God and fully human, and about sin and whole bunch of other stuff.

But for the moment, I want to respond to a reader that recently asked why I’ve been absent. Well, lots of things have happened in 2016. But it began at the end of 2015.

The Recap

My last post was about the sudden death of a 20 year friend of ours, the oldest son of a wonderful family in Nebraska. Granted, the tragedy affected them more deeply of course, but it still shook us to our cores. Then 2016 began with my mom being rushed to the hospital. Mom, a very dear lady, suffered from advanced dementia and other physical disabilities. She spent much of January in the hospital. This led to her being admitted into hospice care. In the midst of this, my favorite pet ever—BK the cat—suddenly took ill and died. It was weird.

I came home from work on a rainy Thursday night and he ran over to greet me as he usually did. He was a great cat because I could pick him up any old way and he would just purr and head butt me. This particular evening, after his greeting, he all of the sudden lost control of his back legs, began panting furiously and had a wild look in his eye. We wound up at the pet ER where they said he was dying; feline congestive heart failure and his lungs were rapidly filling with fluid. In the process of his agonizing death throes, he bit into my left thumb with such force that I could feel his fangs sinking down into my bone, puncturing everything on the way. Shortly after that, he died. We spent the rest of the evening grieving in the people ER because my thumb was seriously injured. Even today my left thumb is partially disabled with the loss of some motion along with chronic pain and numbness.

About a month later, hospice care left a frantic message on my phone at about 4:30 in the morning; mom had died. No one expected it; sure, we expected she would pass away say in the summer or early fall, but then she suddenly started trending upward. Hospice was thinking she may have to be discharged from their care. But on February 29, she went to bed and at some point thereafter she was ushered into the presence of Jesus. Personally, I think she’s dancing in Heaven!

Then there’s the final semester of grad school. Through all of this and keeping up with my full-time secular job I was also trying to finish grad school on a high note. No easy task when so much of life is being filled with pain and loss. But God brought me and my family through it and last Saturday I was able to walk the platform in commemoration of completion along with about 300 other graduates from Corban University.

But…

So it’s been a challenging year so far. But now I have more “free time” and am looking forward to diving into blogging again (and perhaps more cycling too!). But thanks to God for all his work in my life and in my family, and also a huge thank you to my family and friends, I cannot tell you how much of a blessing you are to me. I can’t describe it because the tears of joy block my view. And thank you, dear reader, for your patience.

My God richly bless you in undeniable ways.

Odd Feeling

hawkLately I’ve been feeling odd; it’s a longing in my soul I can’t identify. I’m not sad, nor am I depressed; I’m just…longing. Longing for what I don’t know. It isn’t really a sentimental emotion nor am I anxious about anything, at least not anything that’s at the surface of my thinking.

A Pastor Friend

A pastor friend of mine said he feels that way sometimes. He said maybe there is some latent sadness lurking under the surface of my consciousness. Maybe I’m struggling with completely accepting a mom that is slowly slipping deeper into dementia; the mother of my childhood no longer exists, but the shell of what used to be withers before my eyes and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Maybe it’s a longing for solitude. I find myself looking out the window more than I used to, thinking about wilderness trails, mountain views, and rustling wind through tall firs. On one of my lunchtime walks the other day I stopped in front of a big church building watching a young hawk soaring effortlessly above it. It was beautiful even as traffic buzzed around me and exhaust fumes filled my nostrils this hawk was still surviving, still reminding me that God’s creation is much more than concrete, asphalt and noise.

Holy Spirit Flow

Maybe I’m longing to be freer in the flow of the Holy Spirit. Maybe God’s tugging at me to realize I am blocking his flow in my life somehow, somewhere; but where?

“The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone who is born of the Spirit.”

—Jesus, John 3:8

Do I have the fresh air of the Holy Spirit flowing out of me? I hope so, but I don’t know; maybe this is what I’m longing for, maybe this is what the world is longing for.